Recently my grandma, a crochet enthusiast, and I were talking about our choice ‘arts and crafts’. The topic came up because I purchased my very first sewing machine and a huge pair of knitting needles, two skills of which I only know the basics.
When I was 7 my grandma tried to teach me how to crochet and was minimally successful. I can do a basic stitch but keeping it even and actually completing a project? I just get board. I taught myself to knit a basic stitch, and I find it much more enjoyable. My statement to my grandma was ‘I think crocheting is easier since you only have one needle/hook to maneuver but I much prefer knitting’. Her response? ‘You just don’t know how to relax’. I laughed and took the complement, which was contrary to her intention.
My grandma is of course right, and I realized it last night on my way home to my family after working all day and going to class in the evening and realizing my husband didn’t cook dinner the way I would have done it. I honestly cried the whole way home.
Is there something wrong with trying to cram as much life as I can into the years I have?
Sure it leads to moments like last night where I am wound so tight my husband’s failure to drain and rinse the beans before putting them into the chili is the straw the broke the camel’s back.
Sure I am rarely satisfied and rarely feel that things are every complete or good enough. I always feel things could be better or I could do more, this often leads to uncomfortable moments like yesterday’s recognition at work in which I was called out in a total division meeting for remaking a document to track progress and satisfaction of a newer program.
Sure I may also feel stress and failure more frequently than my more relaxed peers.
I am regularly seeking new knowledge, experiences, self improvement, skills, and accomplishments.
My life doesn’t get stale, I might have my days and moments where I question what else there is … that’s normal but by virtue of my inability to settle I try to answer the question with change not accept that this is it.
I have run a marathon … because I could … and then I ran another … because who wouldn’t want to?
I have traveled to Spain, Tanzania, and Hawaii because I refuse to let fear stand in my way.
I know more things this year than I did last because I refuse to let my mind idol and I crave self development.
Sure my relaxing might come in bouts of 20 minutes and a glass of wine, I will likely never be comfortable sitting on a beach while I am on vacation with an umbrella drink in my hand but at the end of my life I will know I lived fully and I lived to the full extent of my ability.
Maybe I can find time for an extra glass of wine now and then …