It’s funny how a song can bring up such strong emotions at the drop of a hat.
This morning I was driving to Elk River for the Spring craft show and I was listening to my iPod for the long drive. A song came on that is about a dad ‘giving’ his daughter’s hand and it basically was a message to the new husband that the woman he was going to build a life with is still the little girl that he had an unexplainable and unconditional love for.
I noticed that I was getting teary listening to the song flowing so easily and innocently from my speakers. It stuck me that it wasn’t unusual for me to get emotional about songs like this even before I had my own little girl.
It may be cliche but I was born to be a mom. I always felt like that might be true without anything to ‘back up’ my claim. Today it clicked.
I have always had some understanding of the insane roller coaster that was motherhood. I somehow always knew that each thing that would bring me joy in my child’s life would also come with a little bit of bitter sweetness. The first time my daughter rolled over I was so proud of her but also dumbfounded that a natural process would elicit such pride and taken aback by the undertone of sadness by the growing independence of my little girl.
Intuitively I knew that the things that were most rewarding about being a mom would also likely involve some of the hardest ‘transitions’ in life. Even at 18 months this has been evident. I still beam with pride and feel guilt over the small hint of sadness under the surface when I think about the day she reached out for her daycare provider when I dropped her off. While I couldn’t have been happier with her ability to securely bond with a non parent caregiver, I was hurt that she didn’t show any desire to stay with her mom. I know that it’s a sign of a healthy, secure, and well adjusted child and I know that it is a huge vote of confidence from my daughter in regard to the daycare choice we made for her, but it is heart breaking to see her need me less and less.
To say I was prepared for motherhood would be an absurd claim, but it would not be a stretch to say I took to this role in my life like a fish to water. Nothing has ever felt more challenging, rewarding and natural in my life.