Our sweet, loving girl has not been doing very well for the past month. We were told on Wednesday that she likely has cancer and over the last few days we have watched her deteriorate quickly.
This morning we called the vet to have her put down. We had to make an appointment for this afternoon. I am a little awed by the fact that we have an appointment to bring her in to end her life and torn about the decision. Either way I have guilt – guilt that I am making the decision to end her life and guilt of keeping her alive and in pain.
We dropped our daughter off at grandma and grandpa’s this morning and it has been hard every step of the way. This is the last time we will come home to our sweet 4-legged family member. The trip to the vet will be tough knowing we won’t be bringing her home.
And while we are feeling a big loss in our home, I am acutely aware that there are people who are not dog people who would not get the emptiness that is developing in our hearts and will be too evident in our home. And, as I am fully aware she is a dog and she is at the older end of her life expectancy, I am left wondering if we have done enough for her.
Lucy has been there for us during good and bad times over the past 3 years. She sat near by while I was pregnant with our daughter, she sat patiently while I cried into her fur, and has been a companion for our little girl as she has gotten older and they have spent time sharing snacks, princess crowns, and time chasing each other around the circle in our house.
Our daughter knows enough to know who Lucy is and present enough to know when she doesn’t see Lucy, to ask ‘Where’s Lucy’ or to just yell out for her. It won’t be easy when she asks where Lucy is for the first time and while dinner will be less challenging without a dog under the table waiting for our toddler’s little treats, it won’t be the same.
I keep watching her for signs of improvement and reasons to cancel the 2:00 appointment, but she hasn’t really eaten since last night, she no longer gets excited to go outside, and she doesn’t greet us at the door when we come home any more. I don’t want to be there, I don’t want to make this decision but I also don’t want her to have to go through the final moments of her life alone and I don’t want her to continue to live in pain.
Today is a sad day for our family, but we are so thankful for the time we have had with our sweet, loving, gentle girl.