I don’t make friends easily. In fact I don’t really make friends at all. They kind of make me.
Let me explain. I am not exactly willing to invest time in a friendship. Mostly because it is exhausting and takes energy that I could use for other things. And I don’t like navigating that tricky grey space between too personal and friendly innocent inquiry.
That isn’t to say I don’t care. I do care … maybe too much. And I don’t have boundaries. My closest girl friends know more about me than they probably want to.
One of my longest standing friendships has been on my mind recently.
The poor girl has probably learned more about me than she ever bargained for and has (I am sure) rolled her eyes at me more than I care to think. She is usually the first … okay second to my husband … person I go to with things, and is probably one of the few people that has been tasked with listening to my ugly cry over the phone while still having a conversation with me.
In the last few days I have been thinking about our friendship. I have an idea of who she is and what her likes and dislikes are that were formed starting in our 3rd grade classroom.
I think her and I have relied on each other to keep the other grounded and who we are insight. Its a great thing to have … except I wonder if I have stepped back and given her the space to grow within our friendship. To be someone different. I don’t know, maybe she is a mani pedi kinda girl – which by the way, if you are I am down for that!
I wonder about some of the things we don’t do together … like go out for a drink … that I know she does with other people and think about A.) how bizarre it would be if we did that and B.) what am I missing still seeing the 3rd grader in her and C.) why is this the way it is?
Investing in a friendship is hard and sucks the energy right out of me, has that stunted our friendship? Am I too self-absorbed to put the time in? And does it matter?
I don’t know many people that trust me enough that when I text them and say ‘can I write about you on my blog’ I get a ‘yes’ no questions asked. Very few people in my life have had the task (or should it be privilege) of seeing all the ugly from my first crush to my first heartbreak, from my wedding to my first child, from my first home to my first puppy … okay those last two don’t go together so well.
I think about how we met and how our friendship evolved and don’t understand how 20+ years came out of my sassy little self walking over to the one person in class who could not have probably cared any less and asked ‘do you like my perm’ or whatever variation came out of my self assured 3rd grade mouth.
Seriously – she is shy, I don’t invest if I don’t have to … it’s a little amazing we made it past that first 20 second exchange – but am I lucky we did.