It only took me a day to crash from my resolve and excitement yesterday. Today I am feeling exhausted and defeated. I am a person who looks big picture … but I look at the details of the big picture. I am already feeling overwhelmed and worried.
What if I am not good enough?
What if I fail?
I know there will be benefit either way … and I guess closure to a small sliver in my life. And I know it is silly to get too caught up in it right now – but I didn’t know this was what I was working towards until recently. I didn’t know what I was doing, except trying to do it all and it lead to a few missed steps a long the way.
I worry my GPA isn’t strong enough, that my academic record is going to show I am not dedicated enough, that I am not diverse enough in my background.
I know I need to slow down and take it one step at a time. I know that everything is impossible until someone makes it possible. I know that my GPA is only one part of the picture and I know that some people with perfect 4.0s don’t get accepted because they are lacking something else.
I also know I have more than enough of that something else.
But now I have to show someone else on paper that I have that something else. That I somehow am different than the other applicants and that I should represent their school. I hate the process of trying to sell myself. It feels like show boating, like my abilities and my character is second to my ‘uniqueness’ and ‘notable accomplishments’.
The other struggle is that some of those accomplishments no longer seem relevant. Yes they happened but how valid is a service project from 10 years ago? I am so fortunate to be primarily surrounded by people in my life who think I am great and like I can do anything. I have been so incredibly touched by the outpouring of love and support from family and friends and acutely aware that there are others not so excited for me. And I get it – this is a big and scary step.
On one hand I am so grateful for everyone who has stepped into my corner and on the other hand I remember why I didn’t share this with others in the past. I don’t want to disappoint, I lack a certain self-confidence, and frankly I spend a lot of time feeling like a fraud hiding behind a mask. It’s like I am waiting for some one to catch a glimpse of reality as I see it and realize I am not as capable or smart as they think.
There will be a lot of ‘soul searching’ in the coming months and a lot of rediscovering who I want to be in this world.
I know this is the happiest I have been in a long while – the most ‘alive’, if you will. I am so excited to try something and take a risk and allow my husband the opportunity to help me achieve my dreams knowing that at some point in our future he will need the same from me. While I have had a huge uncontrollable grin plastered across my face since yesterday, a good cry has been lurking just under the surface.
I can’t exactly put my finger on the feeling that is prompting the desire to spend an hour bawling – it might be fear, relief, sorrow, guilt, excitement, or maybe a mix of all of it. I am trying hard not to look back and run through the ‘if I could do it again’ scenarios, because I can’t and the reality I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I am better today for the path I was on yesterday – and seriously, who would trade the life I have with my husband and my daughter for anything in the world?
I heard something that has stuck with me recently and I can’t remember where but it went something like this – find what you want to do in the world not what the world wants from you. If you have enough passion, the world will want what you do.
That my friends is the actual dream.