Here we are – day 5 – and I am finally starting to think I am getting into a new routine/rhythm. And then the 2 year old wakes up at 6. How can such a little growing body require such little sleep when I seem to want nothing more than to sleep all day long? Between the 2 year old not wanting to go to bed at night and baby two keeping me on the verge of sleep and sick most hours of the day I can already tell you this pregnancy is not going to be a breeze but it is so nice to have reduced the number of competing priorities I currently have.
I had a small list of places to call today to check on my car, verify charges on my cell phone bill, update some information – just basic little things. So I was so appreciative of my daughter’s quiet time. Just a few minutes uninterrupted to get a call out of the way and maybe start planning the day or making a menu plan for the week.
When I got done with the phone call this is what I found:
Very quickly I was reminded that everything comes with a cost. The cost of my quiet 2 year old only happened to be washable ink all down her legs this time (and a huge grin on her face). It strikes me as odd that I had forgotten that. That cost was the reason I left work for now. The cost of being in the office and spreading all my other time between family, housework, and school wasn’t leaving quality for anything. And yet here I am, trying to multi-task instead of enjoying my moments with my little girl.
At the library yesterday I found a book I was drawn to, but put it down because I feel uncomfortable reading self-help books. The book was about being addicted to stress. I saw it and thought ‘yes, that’s me!’. And then I spent a few seconds thinking about how silly it was to consider borrowing a book from the library to try and ‘fix’ my stress. Sounded to me like it was just a great way to add structure and stress to my life. So I walked away.
I am unexpectedly struggling to find my ‘new normal’ for this month that I am home. It is like all of a sudden the lack of demands on my time have made me feel almost worthless. Almost as if there is no value to my day in and day out goings on – which is silly. Raising a free willed little toddler is possibly the most valuable thing I can contribute to society.
I know it is an adjustment period and that it is punctuated by pregnancy hormones, and I know it was a choice that we made for the benefit of our family. And I stand by that – I just didn’t know it would be so hard to go from 4 am wake ups and long days to cleaning, cooking, and caring for my little girl.