Yesterday was … well nothing short of a day in ‘flow’. You know that feeling that things are starting to fall into place. That you are moving in the right direction. I made some needed connections, researched some MCAT prep, put in an application to do some volunteer work at a local hospital, and started getting everything in order for school. It was a great and somehow unbelievable action taking day.
My resolve vanished quickly. It does that often. I find that the amount of self-doubt I have is heightened when I think about what other people must think of my choices.
Do they think I am being selfish and unfair? This decision did make my husband the sole provider for our family. But I’d like to remind myself (and everyone else) that he was behind this decision 100% before I was even fully on board. Without him in the background saying, ‘just do it already’. It never would have happened.
While that thought irks me a little, it is easy enough to say that this is part of the partnership we agreed to when we married. And my friends are quick to remind me that this is just one way my husband can show me he loves me. And then there is the fact that those people aren’t (and have never been) in this relationship. It has had it’s ups and downs and I have had my moments to support him and he has had his to support me … and it will be a give and take the continues though our lives. At least that was the plan the day we said ‘I do’.
What gets to me most is what my choices might cause people to believe about my parenting. Am I a bad mom because I will be taking time away from my family to follow my own dream? Or am I setting a good example by showing that they can do what their hearts desire? Is my daughter being stunted because we aren’t putting her in this lesson or that?
The truth is I am just full of guilt, and worry. What happens if I go through all of this and don’t make it and have all those people standing right there waiting to say ‘told you so’. I am convinced cognitively that there is no such thing as ‘right and wrong’ decisions when it comes to things like this – but emotionally, I think we are all a little conditioned to take the easy and safe route. We are all conditioned to believe that approval from those around us is paramount. And it is just having a supportive network – because I definitely have that – but it is almost having everyone on your side.
Where does that belief even start? And how do I prevent instilling that in my own children?
Reality is basically tough luck – some people will like you and some will not. They even teach that in school, but I am sure well after the lessons on conforming and fitting in. A little too late if you ask me. I know she doesn’t know what she is saying yet, but when my little 2 year old runs around the house quoting what she calls the ‘let it go song’, I can’t help but feel inspired. Running through the house at the top of her gleeful voice, shouting ‘I don’t care what they’re going to say’ is a sound (and feeling) I wish I could bottle and open up for her in the future when she will undoubtedly need this reminder herself.